Sleep: the lost resource

You know that as a husband you need to read about laboring, and the birth event. You're going to take the birth readiness classes with your wife, and you're going to get just as much out of them as she does (which is a lot). And maybe you're reading up on breastfeeding: if you two plan to breastfeed, the biggest indicator of how successful she'll be is how much support you show to her.

The first few days are really hard from an eating standpoint. Be sure to ask new parents about how they felt when they were waiting for mom's milk to come in. But feeding isn't a huge thing: the milk comes in, or the formula goes  into your baby (in our case, we did both in the hospital but have been breast-only since day 4). You figure out feeding quickly- more to the point, your baby will figure it out quickly.

The thing that we're dealing with, and have been dealing with since day 1, is sleep. I talked about eating first even though my subject is sleeping, because infants have very few states: they're hungry, eating, or being burped; they're tired, sleeping, fussing, or waking up; they're filling a diaper with unspeakably delightful little horrors. Or: they eat, they sleep, they shit. Actually, there's also quiet alert state, which is a bit spooky for how quiet and, um, alert they are.


So, sleep. Infants sleep lightly- which means one or both of you will be getting short short sleep shifts. And good luck finding someone to tell this to you. Parents exaggerate how much sleep their child gets, because they equate "a baby that sleeps long hours" with "good parenting".

Here's how the first ~10 days at home went for us: we fed HG every 2 hours. And he was hungry that predictably. Most infants are. He'd feed for an hour. Then I'd do his diaper. And I say it took an hour but really it was more like 60-75 minutes for feeding+diaper.

Once feeding was done then Venece would turn in to get some sleep. She'd get 45-60 minutes depending on how long the feed took. And I'd pick him up, burp him, and start soothing him to sleep. That would take about another 5-30 minutes. Then I'd put him down to sleep, and I'd lay down and fall asleep 5-10 minutes after he did.

Do the math there. Venece was getting 45-60 minutes of sleep. HG was getting about 30-55 minutes of sleep at a stretch. I was getting 20-35.

The first two weeks suck. You two will fight a lot. Mostly you'll fight because you're sleep deprived. Look at the numbers I gave you above: rinse and repeat them for the first 14 days of your child's life. You'll find ways to cheat the schedule; sometimes you'll get feedings 2-2-2-3-2-2 hours apart. That 3 hour delay feels like a miracle. That extra hour of sleep for the three of you does wonders. And you might decide: okay, I'll skip the 2am feeding and let my wife handle it. Then you'll be able to catch up on a little of your sleep debt.

But so far, the hidden secret of new parenthood is not decisions about circumcision, nor the 24 hours that comprises your baby's birth, nor the classes. The hidden secret is that you don't know that sleeping is a learned skill. And you have never tried to help someone learn to sleep.



Okay, fine: like anything, there are books. Some will make promises to get your baby to sleep through the night. I have a generally low opinion of such promises. Other books will give you an arsenal of techniques to sooth your
infant. These feel more practical to me.

Find some books about sleeping. Here's what's on the couch next to me as I write this:

• Happiest Baby on the Block (amazon) (my review)
• Good Night, Sleep Tight (amazon)
• Nighttime Parenting (amazon)


I'm just now starting to flip through the other two. Maybe they're crap. Maybe they're great. Don't rush off to buy them. I'll let you know what I think of them.

I linked to this page earlier in this post, but here it is again: go give this a read: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t070200.asp Nighttime Parenting is by the same author, Dr. Sears, so I expect that book to be good.

Secret: You'll fight. But you still love each other.

Our son is a month old now. I've got a little perspective on things, having had an hour long nap earlier today. And here's one of the hidden secrets of parenting: you two will fight a lot.


Partly it'll be disagreements about what the best way is to do some minor service for your infant: a diaper should be changed this way, burping should be done that way.


(I snapped at Venece when we were trimming HG's nails for the first time. She did one hand, then I did the other. When she made a small suggestion, I said, "You've trimmed 4 more baby nails than me and now you're an expert?" My tone wasn't very loving. I probably felt criticized rather than helped.)


Whatever works at a given moment is best. I tell you that now, and you know it now, but remember it for later. Remember it for when your child is born. Don't snap at your wife when she tries to help you with some new babychore.

You'll fight about feelings. Your wife's hormones will be a stew, and yours will be to. Mine were, and I'm an average guy. You're about like me. So you'll be hormonal.

But mostly you'll fight because you're sleep deprived. Jason told this to me a few months ago. He also told me a few other things.


Remember: it's the sleep deprivation. You two still love each other.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

This is my placeholder review for The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer. I'll probably re-read it in the next few weeks, and will update this post with more thorough review then.


As it is, you probably have this book. It's commonly given amongst friends to expectant parents, because it's a good book. It's written a bit repetitively and terribly illustrated. In some ways it feels like an apologetic that's based on common sense, humor, ethnography, and "back in caveman times"-type rationale. In other ways it's almost a Dummies' guide for imbecilic parents-to-be.


But the information within, once you uniq it, is good. This belongs in your library of sleep books.

Awesome captcha

The captcha for me to set up this blog was "nesting". Crazy.